if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
He was talking up his golf swing like other guys talk up their dick. Is this adult dating or just another flavour of douchery?
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Showed up to the airport to find my fuck buddy is on the same flight. Do you think he'd be intertested in the mile high club?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
I love millennial parents. One of the moms at the daycare center literally told me she and her husband named two of her kids after batman characters and one after game of thrones
I know you're having a really bad day and I'm a little to blame for that and I'm sorry. To make your day go better just try to imagine what people's fuck faces look like.
Randomize
