I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
i woke up with a shattered plate next to my head.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012
Having a heartfelt conversation with your boyfriends mom while sexting her son. If that's not multitasking, I don't know what is.
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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