I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
well hes been the bathroom for like 15 mins so he either feels comfortable enough to puke/ shit in my apartment or he escaped out the window
If he shows up in a "mount n dew" me shirt im throwing him to the lesbians
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Once I hang curtains in my truck bed that'll be feasible
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
U were so upset when the shower ruined ur nachos. I didn't kno what to do.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
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