I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
I'm just gonna get real fat and join the circus.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
