I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
in the midst of studying i picked up my capsule full of untouched weed, popped it open, and whispered "soon" into it. midterms man
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
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