stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.
Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
