first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
Virginity is like the pottery barn-you break it, you bought it.
Thanks....I've always wanted my vagina compared to an overpriced coffee table
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
Randomize
