it was like eating out sand paper
I cut my penus on the lid.
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Listen you let me know what you're doing after drinking rum punch all morning
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
I tried to break it off with the married one. He offered to pay off my car.
The side bitch struggle is real.
I'm about to smoke a joint alone, do you want to FaceTime and pretend you're smoking it too?
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
QUICK FAX ME THE BALL
Not how faxing works at all btw
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