Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Just got motor boated by a horse in the street
What color suit is the proper "i banged the bride" attire?
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
We can't go back there. Ever. No context required, just know it's true.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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