I just cut my nipple shaving
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
just because the DWI class is located at the University does not make him a professor. I was duped, he is in no way, shape or form a professor!
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
If I don't quit picking up guys when I'm drunk, I'm going to need a vagina transplant.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
Randomize
