I may or may not have started my period at the bar. Good thing I have dark jeans on.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
I just found out my younger brother has me saved in his contacts as "Womb Primer" and I don't know what to do with this information
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize