I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
The woman in the flower onesie is claiming she hasn't been drinking.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
You ate ashes out of my bong
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
