Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Randomize