Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
Just saw cops pull over the ice cream truck. What a dick
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
you will always have a special place in my vag
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
I will never swim in a flooded basement again..
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
..and by hang out i don't mean fucking then going back home i mean let's get something to eat & watch a movie and fuck sometime in between.
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
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