Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
I forgot how ruthlessly advertising works on me when I'm high.
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I was so high I kept trying to flush the toilet with the light switch
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Interlocking vagina powers go!!'
Oh god, your drunk again aren't you?
The party pretty much ended once she shit on the couch
Randomize
