I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
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