he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
So I was blaaazed. & while he was in me all I kept thinking was how bad I'd rather be watching The Office.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
So currently I have a block of cheese duct taped to my air conditioner in lieu of a fridge.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
Almost ran over girl selling candy bars for charity. Pretty much obligated to buy at that point.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
High me is so sweet. She left not-high me a fortune from a fortune cookie and 6 packets of soy sauce in my tampon drawer.
So she said she could really go for a cheeseburger and I remembered I had one in my pocket. No idea where it came from.
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