I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
I just wanted to be the best at what I did even if that included sexing a whole fraternity or sorority ya know?
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
