don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
Randomize
