I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
im having a threesome with these popsicles
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
Her brother was practicing the clarinet....it was like having sex in a starbucks
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Tonight’s your last chance for a danger free blowjob.
God, I missed his penis.
Randomize
