if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
Im blaming it on six shots of Jack, loneliness and a chemical imbalance. That's the best I can think of...
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