hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
So i decided to deal with the awkwardness of last night by making out with all three of them
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
