she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.
How much did you smoke??
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I just texted my mom from a strip club.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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