Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Serious concern: will TSA confiscate my bondage rope?
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
