I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.
I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Sex to movie scores is my best choice of the year. You've had an orgasm but have you had an orgasm with an entire orchestra.
yo dude not sure how this happened but im drunk at your house eating burritos with your mom and sister. hope you're having fun in new zealand
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
is it weird that i just witnessed the marriage of someone ive had sex with on multiple occasions?
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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