Ninja stars and alcohol are a bad combo
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.
i was really disappointed no one would drink beer from our cleavage last night except for us
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
I'm so sexually frustrated I feel like I'm going to kill my turtle
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
I'd just like to take a moment now to apologize sincerely for getting drunk and making an as of myself at your Christmas party next week. I'm especially sorry for sleeping with your baby sister.
Just got high with dad
Correction: more high. He's sharing gummy bears with me.
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