sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
I mean, I can get to know him eventually. The time frame doesn't really matter. I'll have sex with him regardless of whether he's interesting or not.
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I just wiped cum off my face with baby wipes... #momlife
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