i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.
I woke up at 6am to a knock and a naked guy at my window.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
You are cut off. Your giant penis and crazy awesome sex is ruining my body...
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
27 year olds can still do oral in a car right? Or is that trashy?
Randomize
