you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving
She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Wanna bang and Pregame work? I know you're the manager just promise to not fire me
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
Randomize
