I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
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