Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
Came to from my blackout with native american warrior facepaint on I'm too old for this shit
The facepaint not the blacking out
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
Lesson learned. No more vodka and toaster strudel
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. đź’€
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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