I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
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