There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Just come here and visit. Enjoy the deliciousness of me being legal. Just don't think, and come here right meow. meow meow meow.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Looking forward to meeting the person naked and passed out at my kitchen table.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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