At a sweet 16. cant remember what shirt im wearing byt dnt worry im not sleeping w/ the guy who serves the chicken nuggets again
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
We could be the people that go there! Shuffleboard n shit. Meet strippers.
You had me at shuffleboard and strippers
I stole a fireplace last night.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
My liver is preforming stress tests.
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
