her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
test run with donkey pinata disastrous. broken glass and tequila EVERYWHERE
I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
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