if there is a rhyme for it it must be true
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
when your friendship is based on dead babies and vodka there is a delicate balance. lesson learned. for what its worth, you are still my number one.
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I think I ripped my underwear last night doing drunk squats
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
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