What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
Randomize
