when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.
She fell onto my light and broke all four plants. I don't care how good the blowjob was.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
good news: I made it out of bed and into shower. Bad news: I made it back to bed without clothes. Worse news: I don't know this bed.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
