I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
worst 3rd wheel sitch ever. i'm crammed into a booth with him and chubs mcgee and his hand is between her legs. thank youuu karma.
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Randomize
