I wish life had little blips of pornography
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
The National Anthem was on so I had to have a beer
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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