I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I will be naked everywhere
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
When you wake up so hungover that you don't even wanna cough for fear of vomiting... It's not gunna be a good day.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Randomize
