I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.
I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
If Dr Phil has taught me anything about myself, it’s that I can seriously relate to those women who fake their pregnancies.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
