I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
me neither. i remember bell pepper tequila but not why or yelling
Hahaha, I forgot about doing shots out of the bell pepper
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Dude. It's not even nine. I don't know yet.
Drink number four. Don't even tell me about its not even nine
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Mom saw my dick pic over my gf's shoulder. She told her she really should've had me circumcised.
We were dancing and then he pointed to the club floor and there was money that I dropped everywhere. That was the nicest thing someone has ever done for me.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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