i messed up with two guys last night...one i pranked and left the phone on..the other one i went crazy on trying to be his girlfriend after four jagermeister shots...
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Sharknado 3 is going to bring us to alcoghol poisonign
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
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