If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
You said I was the most beatiful preggers youve ever seen...im not pregnant
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
The dysfunction is strong in this one.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
I didn't really break out of the friend zone, as much as I blasted the doors off with high explosives and rode through on a grizzly bear...
How are they?
Amazing! These new boobs are going to break blouse buttons and wedding vows!
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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