I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.
BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.
You eat cookies in the shower?
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
90 seconds of pumping and 2 months of bragging all summer. So much for my reputation here.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
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