My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
its 2pm and were already starting beer pong...its gonna be a good night
I've finally become one of those chicks with a taco in her purse.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
