i'm pissing behind 7/11. if you guys leave... i'll think it's funny too
girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
he made me feel like a shish kabob. his dick was the skewer.
and you said he wasn't worth calling.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
Randomize