im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
So how many licks to the face does it take to get kicked out of the bar?
Just put your hair in a bun. We're going out to drink, not to impress people.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Well yeah. Plus. My dick looks awful. So I would need to do some extreme makeover dick edition before even starting something so ridiculous.
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
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