Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great
God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
I just laid my head on this pillow and I smelt your penis. It was comforting.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Randomize
