i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.
If it carries over into the weekend I would be glad to nurse your vagina back to health.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I know of an excellent nanny. A lot like Mary Poppins but way cooler. And likes pot.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Why does fireball set life on fire? Your insides, your head, your behavior...
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
Girl behind me in line at CVS was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan B soon she might be a mom and that if we couldn't tell she'd be a horrible mom
Randomize
