I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display
#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
It's amazing the amount I can accomplish with a glass of wine in my hand.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize