I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
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