The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
I have to be more responsible. I've dropped three lighters into my bong today.
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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