In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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