What did I say to him last night?
Something along the lines of "your not here, I'm going to fuck sam. call me later babe, this won't take long, love you"
all in all not a bad night
I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You told the cop FUCK YOU AND YOUR TASER, i dont think he appricaited that
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
My tongue is raw from licking all that salt with my tequila shots...happy cinco de mayo
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
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