When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
I'm making a quesadilla and including it in the picture because that's the only way I think I can send her dick pics.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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