the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
there is a ziplock bag over sangria in a wineglass in the fridge...classy?
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I'm still home, my life isn't together. Currently drying my pants
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
This is not a test of the emergency warning system. He has broken my vagina. I repeat he has broken my vagina. Damn it was good.
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize