In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
This is a mass text. Does anyone know what the hell the asian woman at the end of Napoleon Dynamite is doing in the movie
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
When I took off my jeans he became more excited about my Elmo underwear than sex but to be fair, who can blame him. They're awesome undies.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
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