it can't be normal that my body odor smells like fries
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
Every time he asks me if I'm horny I'm just like come on...stupid question
Probably gonna run and pray I throw up. Then go get a coffee/bagel & continue to rally
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
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