If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My purpose is to unleash drunk self on strangers, i believe as some terrifying icebreaker, otherwise i too would offer my driving services.
It was going very smoothly until she noticed my boner of hope.
A+ Viking dick
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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