he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.
Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
ra ra ra ah ah
wtf?
sexting lady gaga style
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
Randomize
