please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
