I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
I don't think this guy is worth it unless he's a skilled sexual amigo
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
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