I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
