I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
she's using motion activated glade air fresheners as some sort of early warning system
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
