I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Me and allie were just offered cocaine by a strange man in a women's bathroom. Why have I not lived in Austin my whole life?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Wearing the 'Let's Party' thong feels weird without you...
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
Randomize
