Houston.. we have a drinking problem..
i wish my penis had a tongue
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I've been randomly kik messaging bearded men I find on Instagram while sitting unshowered in my underpants. I'm like the girl version of a creepy uncle.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
Look idk the rules and regulations of our freindship...but I need you to carry me to my car.
Randomize
