Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Thursdays are my worst days
but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
Where the fuck do you get consience sedatives from?
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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