Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Dude... She just sent me a story of how she wants to fuck me on a boat and call me her captain.. Well ahoy mateys, lets set sail
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
Honestly his girlfriend says she hates me cause she thinks im trying to get him to cheat on her with me...she should hate me cause i already accomplished that.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
