Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Regular drunk falling on flat ground did not prepare me for drunk falling into a pile of firewood.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
